The Unfinished Business of Conflict During the Holidays
Image courtesy of Adobe Stock.
by Dr. Thomas Detert — Certified High Performance Coach
The holidays tend to slow life down just enough for things we’ve been carrying all year to make themselves known.
A conversation that never quite sat right.
A moment you told yourself you were “over.”
A quiet tension that only seems to surface when the calendar finally gives you space to breathe.
We often expect this season to feel light and joyful. And sometimes it does. But it can also bring a strange kind of heaviness — not because anything new has happened, but because unresolved things finally have room to be felt.
Conflict has a way of waiting patiently like that.
What We Carry Without Realizing It
Most unresolved conflict doesn’t show up as anger. It shows up as weight.
A subtle tightness in the chest.
A tiredness that rest doesn’t quite fix.
A mind that drifts back to the same thought when everything else grows quiet.
We tell ourselves we’ve moved on. That we’re being mature by not making a fuss. And often, that’s partly true. But there’s a difference between letting something go and learning to live around it.
What we don’t name, we carry. And carrying things quietly still costs energy.
Why Avoiding Conflict Feels Safer — At First
There’s a reason so many capable, thoughtful people avoid addressing conflict.
Our nervous systems are wired for connection and safety. When something threatens either — a relationship, a role, a sense of belonging — the instinct is to smooth things over, stay agreeable, keep the peace.
Not because we lack courage.
Because our brains are doing what they evolved to do.
The trouble comes when short-term comfort becomes a long-term strategy. Over time, what we avoid doesn’t disappear. It settles in, shaping how we show up, how guarded we become, and how much energy we have left for what actually matters.
The Different Ways Conflict Shows Up
Conflict isn’t always obvious. Often, it’s quiet and polite.
Sometimes it lives between people — a shift in expectations, a pattern of communication that leaves you feeling subtly diminished, or pressure that’s never stated outright but clearly felt.
Sometimes it’s about values. You realize that staying aligned with a person or group now requires you to bend yourself in ways that don’t feel honest anymore.
And sometimes the conflict is entirely internal. That gentle but persistent knowing that something isn’t right — followed by the choice to ignore it, simply because acknowledging it feels inconvenient.
That internal conflict can be the most draining of all. Because it creates distance from yourself.
Letting Conflict Settle Before Trying to Solve It
Before conflict can be addressed, it needs to be understood — not analyzed, not strategized, just seen.
This part is slower. Quieter.
It sounds like asking yourself:
What actually happened?
What did it stir in me?
What feels crossed here?
What do I need in order to feel at peace with myself, regardless of how this turns out?
Clarity has a calming effect. When you name what’s true, the nervous system relaxes. You stop rehearsing imaginary conversations. You stop carrying the question everywhere you go.
Often, that clarity alone changes how you move forward.
Three Moments That May Feel Familiar
You might recognize this in work, where expectations shift without conversation. Nothing is overtly wrong, but the ground beneath you feels unstable. Naming that — even gently — restores a sense of agency.
Or in a personal relationship, where a familiar comment or behavior consistently lands the same way. You’ve learned to brush it off to keep things smooth. Speaking from impact, rather than accusation, opens a door to honesty — and reveals whether repair is possible.
Or in a professional or coaching relationship, where someone speaks with certainty, yet what they’re saying doesn’t align with your lived experience. The discomfort isn’t confusion. It’s incongruence. And recognizing that often marks the beginning of a necessary shift.
In each case, the goal isn’t confrontation.
It’s alignment.
Why Trying Is Still Worth It
One of the quiet truths about conflict is this:
Attempting to address it matters, even when it doesn’t lead where you hoped.
Trying brings clarity. It ends rumination. It tells you what’s possible — and what isn’t. And it rebuilds trust with yourself.
Unspoken conflict lingers in the body.
Addressed conflict, even imperfectly, tends to settle.
Your system knows when something has been named.
A Thought to Carry With You
As the year comes to a close, you don’t need to resolve everything. But you do deserve peace that doesn’t require you to ignore your own experience.
Sometimes forgiveness comes after repair.
Sometimes it comes after boundaries.
And sometimes it comes simply from telling yourself the truth.
That isn’t selfish.
It’s self-respect.
A Gentle Invitation
Much of my one-on-one coaching work is about helping thoughtful, high-performing people move through moments like these — not by pushing harder, but by listening more honestly and acting with intention.
If this season has brought up something unresolved, and you’d like support navigating it with clarity and calm, I’d be glad to explore that with you.
Wishing you a warm, grounded, and genuinely restorative holiday season.