The Hidden Cost of Trying to Look Successful
Image courtesy of Adobe Stock
by Dr. Thomas Detert — Certified High Performance Coach
Setting the Scene
This morning, I stood in the coatroom of a hotel conference center in downtown Toronto.
It’s a familiar setting for many professionals — a sea of black coats, chatter over coffee, and name tags that seem to define us more than we define ourselves.
My parka, a $50 clearance find from Walmart, hung beside a Canada Goose jacket that retails north of a thousand dollars. And it got me thinking.
The parking garage was filled with luxury cars — Teslas, BMWs, a gleaming Porsche — driven by people who, like me, came here to “learn.” But as I watched them glide in, I couldn’t help but ask myself:
Are they happier?
Are they more fulfilled?
Are they better than me?
Or — and here’s the deeper question — are any of us really being ourselves in these environments?
The Psychology of Image
In psychology, there’s a concept known as “impression management.” It’s the process by which we try to control how others perceive us. It’s not inherently bad — after all, we all want to make a good impression. But when it becomes habitual, unconscious, and tied to our self-worth, it becomes a cage.
Dentistry — like many professional fields — often magnifies this behavior. We live in a culture that values precision, control, and perfection. Our training conditions us to present well: neat scrubs, impeccable posture, polished communication. The unspoken message? Appear competent at all times.
But that mindset often bleeds into our personal lives. We start performing — not just professionally, but socially and emotionally.
That’s how people end up buying the $1,200 coat. Or the car they can’t really afford. Or attending courses not to grow, but to be seen growing.
The Trap of “For Show” Living
Let’s get real: appearances matter — but only to a point. Beyond that, they become distractions, draining energy that could be spent on genuine self-improvement or connection.
The “for show” lifestyle has some predictable hallmarks.
When you live “for show”:
You focus on comparison over connection.
You rely on validation from others to feel good.
You avoid vulnerability because it doesn’t fit your image.
You strive for perfection instead of progress.
Sound familiar? For many of us, it is.
And the irony? The more we perform, the more disconnected we become — from others and ourselves.
The Social Mirror
We all have an invisible “mirror” we hold up to the world — a reflection of how we think others see us. But that mirror is often distorted.
Social media amplifies this distortion. Scroll through your feed, and you’ll see highlight reels: vacations, cars, cosmetic upgrades, speaking gigs, perfect smiles. Rarely do you see the quiet doubts, the fatigue, the second-guessing that every one of us feels.
The “social mirror” tells us that everyone else is thriving — so we must be falling behind.
The truth? Most people are playing the same game, just with different props.
In one of my favorite metaphors, Carl Jung said, “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
But you can’t do that if you’re constantly adjusting yourself to fit other people’s expectations.
When the Show Becomes the Identity
Here’s the real danger: if you play the role long enough, you forget who you were before you started performing.
That’s when you wake up one day, exhausted, wondering:
“Why do I even do all this?”
I’ve seen it in countless dentists — colleagues who outwardly “made it.” Great practices, nice homes, expensive toys. But behind closed doors, they’re anxious, unfulfilled, and chronically tired.
The mask becomes so well-crafted that even they can’t tell where the performance ends and the real person begins.
That’s when burnout creeps in — not just physical fatigue, but existential fatigue. You’re not just tired from doing too much; you’re tired from pretending too much.
The Root Cause: The Fear of Not Being Enough
If we peel away the layers of performance, we almost always find a single emotion at the core: fear.
Fear of being judged.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of being “less than.”
Psychologically, this stems from early conditioning. Many high-achieving professionals were rewarded in youth for performance — grades, trophies, achievements. Love and praise became conditional: “You’re good when you succeed.”
So as adults, we chase that same validation. We overwork, overspend, and overextend to maintain the illusion of success, hoping it will fill the void.
But it never does. Because external validation can never replace internal peace.
Authenticity: The Most Radical Form of Confidence
Authenticity isn’t about rebelling against the system or living without polish. It’s about alignment — when your outer world finally matches your inner truth.
Being real means you stop pretending you have it all figured out. You speak honestly. You choose comfort over costume. You invest in growth that actually fulfills you, not just what looks good on a resume or a bio.
When you live authentically, you no longer feel the constant pressure to impress. Your confidence becomes grounded, not inflated. You start attracting people who resonate with who you are, not who you perform to be.
It’s a relief — a deep exhale. Because the performance ends, and life finally begins.
The Paradox of Realness
The paradox is that when you stop trying to prove your worth, your true value becomes visible.
People are drawn to authenticity. In a world of filters and façades, real stands out. The unpolished truth becomes magnetic.
Think about the mentors or leaders you respect most. They’re rarely the ones with the fanciest titles or wardrobes. They’re the ones who make you feel seen, who admit their struggles, who speak from lived experience.
That’s what real leadership — and real living — looks like.
Lessons from the Coatroom
Let’s go back to that coatroom for a moment.
When I saw my Walmart parka hanging beside a Canada Goose, I smiled. Not because I felt superior or self-righteous — but because I recognized how much of my past self might have felt less than in that moment.
But now I know: it’s not the price tag that defines you — it’s the peace you carry.
If you’re grounded, kind, and clear on your values, the coat doesn’t matter.
If you’re anxious, insecure, and constantly performing, even the finest wardrobe can’t hide that inner tension.
The real luxury is self-acceptance.
Freedom from the Show
When you stop living “for show,” you free up enormous mental and emotional bandwidth.
You stop obsessing over what others might think, how you appear, or whether you measure up.
And you start focusing on what truly matters — who you want to become, and how you can serve authentically.
You begin showing up to learn, not to be seen learning.
You attend conferences because you want to grow, not to check a box.
You drive what serves your lifestyle, not your image.
That shift changes everything — how you spend, how you speak, how you relate, how you live.
A Deeper Look: What’s Driving You?
Take a moment to reflect and ask yourself:
What am I trying to prove, and to whom?
What would I do differently if I knew nobody was watching?
Where in my life am I being “for show”?
What does being real look like for me right now?
When my coaching clients sit with those questions, something powerful happens. They often realize how much of their life is built around perceived expectations rather than chosen ones.
They realize they’ve been chasing success defined by someone else’s metric — and neglecting fulfillment defined by their own.
The Courage to Be Real
Let’s not sugarcoat it — being authentic takes courage.
It means you risk being misunderstood. You might lose approval. You might disappoint people who prefer the version of you that plays safe and conforms.
But here’s the beautiful truth: the people who matter most will respect your authenticity. And you’ll finally respect yourself again.
In high performance coaching, we often talk about courage as one of the six key pillars. This is what courage looks like in practice — not just bold action, but honest living.
Beyond Performance: Living with Presence
When you’re “for show,” your mind is always elsewhere — scanning, comparing, judging. You’re never truly present.
But when you’re real, you start living in the moment. You notice the details — the way the light hits the floor, the sound of laughter, the texture of a good conversation. You become grounded.
Presence is one of the most underrated superpowers in life. It transforms how you connect, communicate, and create. And it starts with letting go of the performance.
Real vs. For Show — A Reflection
Being for show means seeking validation, chasing comparison, and presenting a polished exterior that hides internal anxiety.
Being real means expressing truth, pursuing connection, and cultivating grounded authenticity.
Being for show is exhausting.
Being real is liberating.
When you stop trying to impress others, you start inspiring them instead.
A Word to My Fellow Dentists
Dentistry is full of talented, compassionate, and driven professionals. But it’s also full of silent suffering — burnout, imposter syndrome, and quiet comparison.
We spend our careers creating perfect smiles while sometimes hiding our own pain behind them.
What if we turned some of that perfectionism inward — not as self-criticism, but as self-inquiry?
What if we stopped competing and started connecting?
Imagine what would happen if more of us showed up as our real selves — with our doubts, our humanity, and our willingness to grow.
That’s where transformation begins.
How Coaching Helps You Reclaim Your Authentic Self
Life coaching — and specifically Certified High Performance Coaching — provides the structure and reflection most people never get in daily life.
It’s not about teaching you to “fake it till you make it.”
It’s about helping you face it till you make it.
Through guided questions, accountability, and deep exploration, coaching helps you identify where you’re performing instead of living. It reconnects you with your values and sense of purpose. It builds the clarity, energy, and courage to live authentically.
When you begin to see how much of your life has been driven by “for show” behavior, you gain the power to change it. That’s when you stop chasing — and start creating.
The Real Call to Action
This week, whether you’re in a conference room or your own living room, pay attention.
Notice when you feel the urge to prove something.
Notice when you adjust your behavior to be liked or admired.
Notice when you compare.
Then pause — and ask yourself:
“What would being real look like right now?”
And if you find that question hard to answer, maybe it’s time for a conversation.
Coaching isn’t about fixing what’s broken. It’s about uncovering what’s buried — your authenticity, confidence, and peace.
You’ve spent years crafting an image of success.
Now it’s time to build a life that feels like success.
Your authenticity is your advantage. Your presence is your power. Your real life begins when the show ends.
If this message resonated with you and you’re ready to explore what real fulfillment could look like for you — let’s talk.
Click the link or DM me to request a discovery call.
Let’s take off the mask and start building from truth.
Dr. Thomas Detert is a Certified High Performance Coach and founder of Revolutionize: Wellness & Empowerment for Dental Professionals. Through evidence-based coaching and real-world experience, he helps dentists and high achievers break through burnout, reclaim energy, and live with clarity and purpose.
Changing lives since 2019.